


A little fear shared among friends

by nazangel



Series: Comfortember 2020: ToG Edition [5]
Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Adopted Children, Gen, He's father of five now, It's bound to happen, Lorcan and Rowan talk, Lorcan is acting mature, Mild Flashback, Rowan is a little bit anxious, about kids, mild panic attack, not sure if it they can even be called panic attacks or flashbacks but just want to be sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28951260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazangel/pseuds/nazangel
Summary: Lorcan is a father of five. Rowan is scared of having children. They have a conversation.(Can you tell I suck at summaries?)
Relationships: Lorcan Salvaterre & Rowan Whitethorn
Series: Comfortember 2020: ToG Edition [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015711
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21
Collections: Comfortember 2020





	A little fear shared among friends

When Rowan chugged down his third drink of the night, he even had Lorcan giving him worried looks.

"Whitethorn," said his former commander, "You alright over there?"

"I'm drinking," he grumbled at Lorcan

"Leave him alone Lochan," said Fenrys from beside Rowan "He's been pissy all day. I think he had a fight with Aelin,"

"Huh," said Lorcan, eyeing Rowan as he filled his cup again, "Maybe you should go home,"

Rowan glared at him from across the table.

"I can hold more than this, you know,"

"Oh trust me, I know," said Lorcan, still on his first drink, "But usually not this fast and you don't want to go back to the Queen drunk if you did have a fight,"

Rowan slammed down his cup.

"You know," he told Lorcan, "Sometimes I miss the times when you were a brooding asshole that destroyed himself and let others destroy themselves through drinking and wallowing,"

"Well," answered Lorcan, voice filled with sarcasm, "I am so very sorry that my emotional growth is a hindrance to your pity drinking. Truly, Your Majesty, I apologize from the bottom of my cold dead heart,"

Fenrys burst into laughter while Rowan glared at Lorcan. A lesser male would have been cowed. As it was, Lorcan stared right back as he took a long sip from his cup of ale. A cup, that Rowan noticed, was still half full.

"I would like to know," said Fenrys, once he got his laughter under control, "Why aren't you getting drunk? I at least have the excuse of having to leave for Doranelle early in the morning. What's yours?"

Lorcan smiled, "I don't want to go back to my rooms drunk. Elide and the children are here with me,"

Rowan flinched as the older male mentioned children. Fenrys did not seem to notice as he exclaimed about not knowing the other Lochans and Salvaterres were there.

"I'll have to see them before going to sleep," said Fenrys, "I had no idea you brought them with you this time,"

While Lorcan was obviously nodding along to Fenrys, Rowan could also feel his eyes on him. Unlike Fenrys, he had most likely noticed Rowan's movement from where he was sitting. He could only hope Lorcan would leave it alone.

"Well," said Fenrys, as he finished his cup, "I should go now. The travelling party wants to leave as early as possible and I don't want to be tired in the morning,"

After a quick goodbye, Fenrys left and their drinking party of three turned into two.

"So," said Lorcan, "Children, huh?"

Rowan finched again. He couldn't help it.

"What is it about the mention of children that's making you react like that?" asked Lorcan, looking over him quizzically, "If Elide's word is to be believed, you two were merely waiting to have children. You both still want them, don't you?"

"Yes," said Rowan, barely above a whisper.

"What's the problem then?"

Unbidden, the memory of the dark vision came to him. His children and his mate being swept away from him. The darkness swallowing them whole. Not being able to save them, just watching them disappear. They had been so beautiful and he could imagine it happening in reality. One wrong move, one wrong decision and a precious life could-

Leave.

_Rowan_

Be gone.

**_Rowan_ **

"Rowan!"

He shook himself out of his reverie to find that Lorcan had moved beside him, his hand hovering just over Rowan's shoulder.

"Are you back with me?" asked Lorcan, looking at him critically

Rowan nodded jerkily.

After another moment, Lorcan gently placed his hand on Rowan's shoulder. Rowan stiffened at first but hen relaxed at the contact, allowing the other male to ground him.

"Rowan?" asked Lorcan, "What in Hel just happened?"

Rowan sighed, "It's complicated,"

How was he supposed to explain it to Lorcan? to anyone?

However, then another set of images flitted through Rowan's mind. Lorcan holding his son Zirrek for the first time, crying in a way Rowan had never seen before. Lorcan holding his daughter Salva a year later, just as enchanted. Lorcan absolutely terrified as his children grew, thinking he would do something wrong. Lorcan coming to him, saying that he was thinking of bringing up adoption to Elide. Specifically, the adoption of three abused demi-fae siblings between the ages of nine and thirteen who would later take the name Salvaterre. Lorcan wondering over and over again, if he was doing right by his children, biological and adopted.

Lorcan just a few months ago during the holidays, three years after the adoption, surrounded by all his children and smiling the brightest smile he was capable of.

If anyone was going to understand his fears it would be Lorcan.

"I'm- well," he tried, "I'm-"

He cut himself off with a shuddering breath but Lorcan only watched him, wearing a patient expression quite like the one Rowan had worn when the older male had gone on a panicked tangent a week before Zirrek's birth. It was odd to be on the receiving end of it.

After a few moments, Rowan tried again.

"I'm- I guess," he said, "I guess I'm afraid,"

"Understandable," murmured Lorcan

Rowan sighed. Lorcan kept watching, hand still in place.

"Do you remember those dark visions we saw?"

Lorcan stiffened and then visibly forced himself to relax.

"Yes," he said roughly

"I've never told anyone," said Rowan, "Not even Aelin,"

Lorcan brow furrowed, "Rowan are you sure-"

"I saw children,"

"Oh," Lorcan said softly, "I see,"

"I saw our children, four of them. They were standing beside their pregnant mother. They were beautiful, Lorcan, so beautiful. I reached for them and they were taken away from me into darkness and dust,"

"Rowan-" whispered Lorcan, voice filled with the anguish Rowan felt

"And I know- I _know_ it was only a vision. But I already lost a family once, Lorcan, and every time Aelin brings it up, I flashback to that. And it's so ridiculous, absolutely _stupid_ that I can't get over it. And I know I'm hurting Aelin because of it but-

Rowan was running out of breath as he spoke, his throat closing around his words.

"Whoa, whoa," said Lorcan, shaking him a little, "Rowan, _stop,"_

Rowan shut his mouth with a click.

Lorcan was now holding him by both shoulders.

"Come on, Whitethorn, breath for me,"

Rowan took a few shuddering breaths but then forced himself to stop and match Lorcan instead. It took a few minutes, but eventually, Rowan came back to his normal pattern of breathing.

"Rowan. First of all, it's not stupid or ridiculous," said Lorcan, sliding his hands down so he was holding Rowan's wrists, "On the contrary, it's perfectly understandable,"

"Right," sniffed Rowan, trying to get himself under control.

"I don't have to tell you what you need to do now,"

"No," groaned Rowan, "I have to talk to Aelin,"

"Yes,"

Rowan let out a chuckle, sounding a little hysterical to his own ears and making Lorcan look at him nervously.

"I can't believe I just did all that in front of you," he told Lorcan

Lorcan laughed, relieved, "It's alright. Remember me before Zirrek was born?"

"I remember," said Rowan, grinning at the memory, "Both Vaughan and I practically had to hold you down from pacing,"

"Yes," said Lorcan, "And look at me and my children now,"

Rowan smiled as he thought of Lorcan and Elide's children. The oldest, Mara Salvaterre, was sixteen now and quite proficient in taking care of their gardens. They seemed to grow and blossom under her touch as if she was breathing life into them herself. The second child, Shyla Salvaterre, whose magic was the reason Lorcan had discovered them was fourteen and already a great warrior. The middle one, Amin Salavaterre, was now twelve and fluent in eight different languages, all taught to him by his father. Zirrek and Salva Lorcan were only six and five so it was hard to tell their direction in life. However, they had their mother's wit and kindness and their father's strength and stubbornness. All the children were quite adored by the court, and while Lorcan liked to credit Eiide with them, everyone knew Lorcan gave them as much as his wife did.

"Your children are wonderful," said Rowan.

"That they are," said Lorcan, a soft smile on his face, "And I'm still afraid but it passes and I look at them and everything washes away,"

"Hmm," said Rowan, "Maybe talking to Aelin will help,"

Lorcan nodded and then chuckled.

"If only we could have Aedion's confidence,"

"Right," Rowan said with a small laugh, "It would be much easier,"

Two years ago, Aedion and Lysandra's first child had been born and now they were expecting their second one. Both times, Aedion had thrown himself into preparation with gusto, reading from books, learning from healers and talking non-stop about how excited he was. Of course, he had had the normal fatherly nerves that came with becoming guardian to a precious little life but even those had been normal and fleeting. Absolutely nothing like Lorcan and Rowan's panic.

"You should talk to him too," suggested Lorcan.

"Yes. That's probably a good idea," he said and then shook his head a bit as it started to fog, "I think my drinks are hitting me a bit,"

Lorcan smirked.

"I would expect that much," he said, "I will walk back with you,"

His tone left no room for argument and Rowan found himself nodding. They silently walked back to the royal suites. Lorcan kept a hand on his back to steady him for which Rowan was grateful. Once they got to the right door, Lorcan took his hand away and nodded towards the door.

"Don't forget to talk to her,"

Lorcan turned to leave but before he could, Rowan caught him by his sleeve.

"Lorcan?" he said

Lorcan turned and looked at him questioningly.

"Yes?"

Rowan smiled, "I don't miss you being a brooding asshole,"

Lorcan smiled back, moving his hand so their fingers were curled around each other.

"I know, Rowan,"

"Good night," said Rowan, "Give them my love,"

Lorcan nodded and squeezed Rowan's fingers gently before walking away. Rowan turned and took a deep breath, opening the door to find his wife sitting on the settee and reading a book.

"Fireheart," he murmured, "I think I need to talk to you,"

Aelin gave him a gentle smile, one he did not think he deserved but cherished anyway.

"Then let's talk, Buzzard," she said, patting the space beside her.

Smiling, Rowan gently closed the door behind him.

A few suites over, Lorcan slipped inside his rooms quietly to find his children sitting around the fireplace, being read to by their eldest sister. He kissed each of their foreheads and told them that uncle Rowan loved them. Mara wrinkled her nose a bit, but the rest of them smiled sleepily and nodded. Lorcan then went into his room where Elide was already under the overs and asleep. He quickly changed and slipped in beside her.

Even in bed, he kept an ear to his children as they finished their story and were ushered to bed by the eldest girls. He didn't stop listening until all their breathes evened out and they were asleep in their beds, warm and safe from the world.

Lorcan sincerely hoped that one day Rowan would be able to know this kind of love and peace too, the kind that came from watching your children grow and thrive.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Comments and Kudos are appreciated!


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